I Used To Wear A Flower In My Hair

Updated: Aug 12, 2019

Mac and cheese are one of my favorite Thanksgiving specialties to eat and make. Normally during the holiday that I have come to not be so sure about due to my natural empathetic nature, and since joining a facebook group for Indigenous people, it is usually my Aunt Debbie or neighbor Stacy who makes the cheesy delight for our gatherings. Right now it's summer, and since it has been requested by the children and The Man, I have decided to not only give into them but also to my curiosity that's wondering if I can make it taste just as good without any help from good ol' holiday spirit.


Holiday spirit does help the overall feeling, however, it wasn't needed for everyone to finish the dish. This is the only time that I am proud of my "she must know how to throw down in the kitchen" arms because throw down I did with this summer version mac and cheese. I overdid it with all of the cooking for the night as I am too tired to clean every dish used. Actually, that's me every night...


An overnight soak and a feeling of delicious contentment were how my baking pan and I parted ways that evening.


I woke up the next day ready to bring an end to my relationship with the dish. As I'm peeling the cheese crud that I had soaking in the pan it dawned on me...


"I used to wear a flower in my hair!"

I used to wear a flower accessory in my hair like 95% of the time. I'm not even talking about as a young, carefree, single, no offspring to accidentally step on my foot as they are trying to get between myself and my laundry pile woman. Nope. Just a couple of years ago with only three kids(HA!...only), a non-profit that I was trying to start, producing shows, all while my husband was doing multiple sea trials after a year-long deployment...I used to put a flower or two in my hair...



My beautiful, yet slightly smooshed and neglected hair flower collection.


I don't even know when it stopped...maybe the car accident, I don't know...there was no defining moment that had me go from flowers to a basic black clip. But the fact that this random thought came while having a bad menstrual day and scrubbing delicious cheese crud from the pan tells me that maybe deep down inside I am trying to remind myself not to lose who I am in the midst of everything.


"Or maybe that I already have..."

Maybe I already have lost myself. I'm too sleep-deprived and overweight to truly figure it out. Finding times for a nap and trying to lose weight has been my top two personal missions as of late. I mean as soon as I thought about it, I didn't immediately rush upstairs to remind myself of "who I was" by pinning a flower clip to my head. My blasé attitude toward my inner thoughts didn't stop this feeling of melancholy to come over me. I wanted it back. I wanted "her" back. I wanted the creativity that used to flow so freely in spite of insomnia back...


I'm curious to know if you are still wearing your flowers in your hair or if you have forgotten that person too...when you think about her do you mourn or do you feel like that person is a far off memory? And I'm not talking about the kind of memory of how we all changed for the better and you're glad that you are not who you once were...


No, I'm talking about how in the movie "Get Out" when it seemed as if the housekeeper and the groundskeeper's true self were trying to come through, and you can see their tears coming right as they were remembering that person. The person that was there somewhere on the inside, but due to deeply insane and crazy circumstances (out of their control) they lost themselves...sure they were functioning and seemed fine but on the inside, there was a struggle to get back to themselves...


Maybe your crazy circumstance is just simply contentment. You became content with a new routine. A routine that caused you to exchange your floral hair accessories for a practical, gets the job done hair clip.


"It doesn't matter..."

Lover, spouse, parent, teacher, daughter, son, friend, coworker, some of the best things to be able to have the privilege of being in this lifetime. Roles that we shouldn't take for granted and can bring us some of our greatest joys in life. It doesn't matter how appreciated and loved we are because in a moment that we can't even pinpoint later in life our contentment in those roles will turn into our very own "crazy circumstance" when we have lost ourselves in the process.


You'll know you've lost a bit of what makes you, your very unique individual self when little reminders hit you while you are scrubbing the dishes...


So, am I doing something about it? Yes, and right now instead of giving a list of things that I think will help you because it helped me I would just like to share the one word that I had to shake loose in order to find myself...


"Fear!"

Yep! I had to learn to let go of fear. Fear of not being able to be there for others. Fear of hurting myself. Fear of wearing myself thin. Fear of what my non-mind reading ability was thinking people were saying about me. More specifically fear of people thinking that I was too old to just be me. Fear of rejection...for just being me...


If you do relate to this can you do it...can you let go of whatever fear is holding you back in life and just live?


I'm rooting for you. I'm here saying, "You go you lovely, wonderfully made, superhuman in your own right you, who only has this one chance to do you because life is too short!"


Aaaaaaaaaannnnnnnndddddd, I truly think that you can do it while you drop off one child to the soccer field, then the other to basketball, then pick the first soccer offspring back up so you can drop them off at jiu-jitsu, but on the way drop off the second soccer player at practice after which the jiu-jitsu drop off is complete, and so you go back to getting the second soccer player before picking up Mr. Basketball, all while making sure your toddler is being chauffeured around with you with an endless supply of cheerios and juice, and then you are back home safe and sound, but still need to get through, dinner, baths, homework, sibling fights...


Slap on your flower clip, favorite perfume, go-to accessory and remind yourself that you are still fabulously you! Would it be easier to do on vacation on an island? Yes! But that's not now and right now you are needed...the super person that you are is needed, but you can't be super if you forget who you are...


So go be you and fear not! I'm rooting for your inner you to shine as I am reminding myself to do the same!



I'm rooting for you!!!!

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